I am not societys ideal image of normal.
I am not the preppie chick that goes and watches her boyfriend play his football game.
I am not "normal" in many ways.
And over the years i've come to realize that there's a certain amount of pain that accompanies this.
The one that i can't tolerate is when those you love, can't accept you.
That hurts, Becuase had it been anyone else, anyone you didn't care about, you could easily just be like "fuck you, i dont need this" and i've done a damn good job of getting those people who dont like who i am out of my life.
I've worked hard on this.
But, When it's someone who's respect you want, whom you want to accept you, and you know that they wont ever, and that you can't lose this person from your life, it hurts.
It hurts to go into stores where you see a cute shirt, or anything, and they dont have a size that fits you or looks good on your body because you dont have societys body image in any way.
It hurts when you haven't been dress shopping in ages, and to come to sections with numbers on the dresses, and it hits you hard in the gut that you dont have that youthful body anymore and you wont ever agian.
These are things that can be overcome though.
I do enjoy my body, i find it lovely, i dont enjoy the stretchmarks, freckles, and hair as much, but the rest i enjoy. I love, and worship every scar, every hole, every inch of my pale skin. I know that there isn't a thing wrong with my body.
It's them i worry about.
When you walk into a department store and see pants in a size '0' and realize that if anyone could fit these pants, it would be a walking skeleton, and i worry about the girls who dont eat, who throw up all thier food just to fit into these so they can accomplish something.
No.. I need no control over my body like that.
I control others, wether i like it or not, something inside of myself smiles whenever i ask a friend for a favor and they comply, whenever i use my body to get my way, not in such a slutty way.. but i know i have a nice body and i dont mind flaunting it to get somewhere.
So.. Maybe things like these get me into situations from.. well.. all the time.
But you know, I've never been the one who's gotten myself into the situation that i've been raped. Yes, i have been raped, but it was before i'd even had a body to flaunt, maybe i was a tease as a child, but an 8 yr. old girl running around without a shirt on in the middle of the country.. doesn't seem so unnatural to me.
I remember, 9th grade health my teacher told us, "if you're at a party, and you see a guy, and you decide, yea i wouldn't mind sleeping with him tonight, and you get in the room, and you're naked and everything and you say no, even though you've still gone as far as penetration, you've still said no, and if it doesn't stop there, then it's him forcing you. "
That was the first time someone had ever said anything remotely near that, and those words will never leave me, even if they change slightly in my head over the years, I never knew that until then.
I had.. been in so many situations where i was blamed, where it was my fault, where i was a fucking tease and i deserved it for so long, that i just went along with it.
From then on, and maybe still, every sexual action is becuase i'm a whore or a tease and it's my fault.
Yea, there are times that are my choice alot, where i dont feel bad, where i get caught up in the moment and absolutely love sex, but there are also times where.. it hurts emotionally, where the voices wake up and yell and scream and all i want to do is cry. there are times that afterwards i just want to curl into a ball and not beileve that i could do such a thing.
sex.. creates alot of negative emotions for me most of the time. It's a scary thing, everyone knows that.
well.. at least i say they do.
sex scares me becuase.. you can get diseases.. that you can't 'unget'. your stuck. marred for the rest of eternity as diseased.
your sexual encounters from then on are VERY limited..
so unless you've gotten this, or already gave it, to the one you love the most, then your pretty much screwed for a sexlife, as many significant others aren't to willing to contract diseases for thier love.
sex is scary.
i just recently got over thinking that sex is what kept a man around, and have realized that maybe i dont just have to be a whore and have sex when i dont want it to have someone worthwhile around.
yea.. it's true.. you dont.. that took me months upon months.
and i can't wait for my mind to realize that.. maybe everytime you have sex that your not being condemned. maybe i'm not so bad.
but. there's always the voice in my head that goes YOU WERE PUT HERE FOR SO MUCH MORE.
and yea, i know, i was, i have an important fight to fight and i need to go find it.. but i cant' seem to stop getting caught up in it all.
Maybe.. i just wish i could live in one of my invented lifes.
i could go live as emireath and have a reason to be alive.
a reason to exist.
i could have wings..
sure fooled my mother anyways.
to think, i got so caught up in that reality that i almost cut my leg open and inserted things into myself just so i could find it more realistic.
just so maybe then i'd actually exist as someone worthwhile.
but i'm slowly realizing i can take thisbody and mold it.
the "body modification" i do.. helps me realize that i'm alive.
the weight of my spikes, the pain, the fun i get from flicking on them, it all helps me remember that look you can do something worthwhile to this body. make it memorable,
the ball out of the corner of my eye, my four, my crown.
all major reminders of who i am.
what i stand for.. though.. is best represented in other things.
one of my favorite pieces to decorate is my coat.
simple black punks coat.. although it's still not done, it represents a piece of me. From my rainbow pin to my cabage patch pin to my bored teenager pin.
it reminds me of who i am and what i'm living for.
the safety pins are my reminders of the piercings i so desperately love.
sometimes..
i sit back and reflect on so much.
like my thing for hair, i'll never understand it. I just have this undeniable thirst for hair.
I think hair is THE sexiest, most sensual, most romantic, most anything positive thing alive.
i also think daniel is sexy.
*blinks* back to my straight flow.
pat.. pats disappointed with me lately. so am i.
my rooms a fucking pigsty. ineed to do some fucking laundry.
i dont know. i think i'm getting tired.
i'm so much of a freak.
i'm so attracted to freaks.
top three on my list in fact.
1. hair.
2. piercings/tattoos
3. eyes/nose/lips
well.. okay.. top two.
but yea.
i'm physically attracted to hair, like jesse camp, and naomis and marks and julians and angies.. hair thats different. hair you wouldnt' see on an everyday person.
i'm attracted to piercings.. and tattoos, things that every human being alive doesn't have.
i like people to look different.
i like it, when you come up to me, for you to display what makes you different.
what makes you someone i should like, what makes you someone respectable.
i have a hard time jumping to trust and respect with someone who looks like the crowd.
IF I CAN LOOSE YOU IN A CROWD I CAN LOOSE RESPECT FOR YOU.
if i can find you in the middle of the pit at a sepultra concert by your black light reactive hair that stands up 7 inches from your spiked pierced head i love you.
*giggles*
yea..
i mean..
bed now maybe?
can't type so well..
Johnny
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baldcreation's journal
pissed off
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